Matt Garza, Lance Berkman and September Rangers Baseball

Looking good, Lance!

Looking good, Lance!

As painful as September baseball continues to be for the Texas Rangers—especially their fans—thank goodness there are nine games remaining.

No, not because we as fans are a glutton for punishment, but becausewe still have a chance at the postseason. Had the major league season remained at 154 games—as it was in the American League until 1961—the Rangers would already be eliminated.

So there’s that.

Tonight Matt Garza will have yet another chance to prove he was worth trading 43 top-flight prospects for and Lance Berkman will have another chance to enjoy all the free bubble gum and sunflower seeds his fat rear can muster while riding the pine. With tonight’s first pitch a few hours away, here are some of my thoughts on September baseball for the Rangers, the 2013 version.

Bizarro World Baseball

September baseball for the Texas Rangers in 2013 is like a Bizarro World version of 2012. Many of the same players, very little of the same offense. Superheroes sans superpowers.

If you are as dorky as I am, then you will remember that in the parallel universe known as Bizarro World everything is much the same yet completely different.

Makes sense, right?

So, rather than righteous, classically coiffured and awesome, Superman is evil, gray and a real a-hole. Bizarro World Superman is Lance Berkman.

Lance Berkman: He’s a real…

Seriously, the likeness between Lancie and BW Superman is—ahem—uncanny. Look, we’ve had plenty of time to study Berkman’s stupid face as he rots on the bench. We’ve all observed first-hand his penultimate decline; stared in awe as his meager usefulness has atrophied into nothing. Watched as his skill-set circles the drain on its way to athletic oblivion.

Don’t stand up too fast Berky, your legs will fall clean off. We don’t want that ‘cuz then a player actually worth a crap might risk injury carrying your fat arse out of the dugout.

Seriously, an X-Ray would show the duct tape, gum wrappers, toothpicks, and lucky penny that are currently holding him together.  Only MacGyver knows what binds Berkie.

In a rainstorm, Wal-Mart brand toilet paper would hold together longer than him. The only thing worse than Berkman on the bench is Berkman in the batter’s box.

Parallel universe/esrevinu lellaraP

Last year the Texas Rangers, amidst a series of injuries and ineffectiveness—spear-headed by the abject failure of former Houston Astro Roy Oswalt—made a trade for Chicago Cubs starting pitcher Ryan Dumpster (ahem) I mean Dempster.

This year the Texas Rangers, amidst a series of injuries and ineffectiveness—spear-headed by the abject failure of former Houston Astro Lance Berkman—the Rangers made a trade for Chicago Cub starting pitcher Matt Garzaster (ahem) I mean Garza.

The only way you could blend your brain more would be to gargle down some absinthe then fire up Fringe season three. It’s really easy to follow, promise.

Matt Garza vs. Ryan Dempster

About two weeks ago, I was not convinced that Matt Garza was this year’s Ryan Dempster.  ”Garza has much better stuff!” I cried out. “Garza has a great goatee!” I screamed. “Garza goes deeper in games!”

Ryan Dempster's crap-tastic 2012 with Texas
W/L G IP H/9 BB/9 K/9 ERA WHIP 5+ER
7-3 12 69 9.7 3.3 9.1 5.09 1.435 4

Matt Garza's crap-tastic 2013 with Texas
W/L G IP H/9 BB/9 K/9 ERA WHIP 5+ER
3-5 11 71 9.3 2.4 8.4 4.94 1.296 3*

*Yeah, Garza’s only allowed 5+ ERs in 3 starts thus far (sigh). However, he’s allowed less than four on only 3 occasions (sigh/spit)

Now I realize that what I thought about two weeks ago is still true.  Except for the goatee—clearly I had been drinking. Garza does go deeper in games, but man, we sure don’t want him to—too many opportunities for his signature blown shutdown inning.

So, I guess Garza decided to use his “better stuff” for bad rather than good, to somehow suck harder with. Sure, Dempster’s 89 MPH fastball arrived as big as a beach ball on a tee, but Garza’s 96-er—with good movement—is thwacked, whacked, battered and bruised.

What a waste of talent.

It’s almost as if Josh Hamilton used his 100MPH+ bat-speed to just swing-and-miss a whole bunch…oh wait, he does!

Takeaway Lesson or Underlying Message

So, what’s the takeaway lesson or underlying message here? I mean, after all, if there isn’t one, why write “Takeaway Lesson or Underlying Message” in bold? SEO, bros. SEO.

Hell, I guess the takeaway lesson learned here is that the Rangers should SAY NO to trades involving the Chicago Cubs’ starting pitchers. But I will take Jeff Samardzija for Joltin’ Joe Ortiz—who says no?

I suppose my underlying message is that Matt Garza needs to get his “better stuff” together. Or not. Really, I just don’t care anymore at this point. He’s basically a walking, talking, Dempster fire. Oh wait, I meant Dumpster fire. No, I definitely meant Dempster fire.

Here’s hoping we can flip the lid on this bizarre-ass season and find October baseball in Arlington if for no other reason than to spite these two a-holes. Please?

@TMurrayHowell

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